Relationships 101

 Some of our most popular topics to help you improve and maintain healthy relationships.

4 Types of Relational Connections

The people around you will either make you great or tear you down. Learn about the Loner, the Toxic, the Fake, and the True Connection.

Talking Points:

  • The loner is that person who is disconnected – somebody who is a maverick, somebody who isn’t really totally present or there for you.
  • A toxic person is pessimistic and negative – they’re always tearing you down. Everybody has some toxic relationships in their life.
  • A fake person is probably a person that you like to be around, but they are just a “yes man” – you don’t really know what they’re thinking because they never tell you the truth to your face.
  • A True person is the kind of person who is authentic. They build you up and strengthen you, helping you to really become a better friend, a better teammate, a better individual.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Name a friend, family member, or teammate in each of the four categories. Which category would your friends put you in?
  3. How has the “loner” impacted your life in a negative way? Share an example.
  4. Answer the question above for the toxic person and the fake friend.
  5. How has your “true” connection made you a better person? Give an example.
  6. What practical thing can you do to seek out more true connections?
  7. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

 

The Life-Changing Act of Saying Hello

Not only can saying hello brighten someone else’s life, it can also brighten yours.

Talking Points:

  • Growing up, William felt like he was “in a box” because of a speech impediment. He felt like an observer of life, not a participant in life. He wanted to make a change. He didn’t want to be separate from life.
  • It took time for William to realize that feeling separate was his responsibility. He had agreed to be “in the box,” cordoned off from others. He had to choose to get out of the box.
  • When William sees people who don’t seem to feel that they belong, he feels a burden to show them that they do belong. He says hello to everyone getting on the train. He shakes hands and give fist-bumps and hugs to people he’s built relationships with. He doesn’t want to be a “troll” hiding away from people in the booth.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. If you’ve ever ridden a train, bus, or other form of public transportation, what were the train/bus employees like? Were they friendly and engaging like William, or did they seem “separate” from passengers? Share a story if you have one.
  3. Have you ever felt like “an observer of life” rather than a “participant in life?” Explain.
  4. William believed he was responsible for his separation from others. What are some ways you can choose to “get out of the box” like William?
  5. Think of people you may know from school, work, or other places you go who don’t seem to belong or who may feel that they don’t. What are some ways, like William, you can show them that they do belong?
  6. Why is it important to belong and to show others they belong?
  7. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

How to Spot a Liar

We hear anywhere from 10 to 200 lies a day - here's how to spot them.

Talking Points:

  • When someone is lying they will reference themselves less, avoiding the use of personal pronouns. The liar will avoid taking any ownership of a situation, speaking of it in terms of outside involvement. A person bending the truth will make an effort to disassociate themselves from the situation, focusing solely on the actions of another person.
  • As a fibber crafts a lie, they will often create a very simple story, since it’s difficult to add complexity to a fiction. Building a false narrative is cognitively difficult and requires a large amount of situational analysis and forethought.
  • While it is important to be able to spot lying, it’s also important to apply these analyses to ourselves. Building a personality of integrity requires a great deal of reflection. Habitual liars are people that need to be watched out for, especially in close relationships. As you learn to spot lies remember that everyone falls prey to this character flaw and needs some grace to overcome it. “Be as wise as a serpent and as innocent as a dove.”
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Have you ever been caught in a lie? What was the result?
  3. Have you ever lied and regretted it? Explain why you regretted it?
  4. Has a lie ever helped you? Looking back was that a good thing?
  5. Is there such a thing as a “white lie?” Explain.
  6. How can spotting your own lies be a good thing? Explain.
  7. How do these tips help you to be on guard against liars in your life?
  8. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Toxic People: How to End a Bad Relationship

Bad friendships can drag you down, but sometimes it's hard to recognize the signs of unhealthy ones. Here's how.

Talking Points:

  • When you are around this person take inventory of how you feel. Do they put you down all the time? Do they get jealous when you spend time with other people in your life? Are they constantly trying to change you?
  • If you have a “friend” who is making you feel bad, you need to figure out what you are doing to allow them to make you feel that way. Are you being a doormat and putting their needs above your own? If you do that, you are opening a door for them to take advantage of you.
  • If you have boundaries in place and they are aware of them but still try to push you, then it may be time to cut them out of your life. Your boundaries are in place to keep you safe and comfortable, not to please them.
  • People with low self-esteem are much more likely to find themselves in toxic relationships. This is because they allow people to take advantage of them. If you love yourself, other people will see the love you deserve and will treat you with dignity, respect, and care.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Have you ever known someone who was in a toxic relationship, whether it was a friendship, romantic relationship, or family relationship? What happened?
  3. What are the telltale signs of a toxic person? Explain.
  4. What are the characteristics you have that might become toxic to other people? What can you do to keep yourself from being toxic to others?
  5. What are some good boundaries to have in place to guard against toxic people?
  6. How can you help others who may be in a toxic relationship? 
  7. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

We know when relationships aren't going well - but what, exactly, does a healthy relationship look like?

Talking Points:

  • Healthy relationships are sacrificial where both people care about each other more than themselves. 
  • Healthy relationships are not controlling. Both have a freedom to pursue individual hobbies without the other feeling threatened.
  • Healthy relationships are reciprocal. Both parties are committed to working to make the relationship work.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Define “sacrificial” in your own words. Why is it hard to be sacrificial in our relationships?
  3. Do you agree that the other person will be inspired to be sacrificial by your example? What should you do if that doesn’t happen?
  4. What does a controlling relationship look like? Have you ever been in one? Explain.
  5. “A healthy relationship is reciprocal.” What does that mean? Do you have any reciprocal relationships in your life? Which ones? Do you have any relationships that are not reciprocal? Describe them.
  6. What does “beguiling” mean? Do you know anyone who is like that in his or her relationships?
  7. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

4 Signs of a Good Listener

Listening well is a crucial life skill, and many of us could use some practice!

Talking Points:

  • Good listeners encourage us to elaborate, saying those two magic words: “Go on.” They keep our histories in mind and seem to be building up a deeper base of engagement.
  • Good friends help us get past the “what” to the “why.” They help us get to the deeper attitudes that are lurking in the background.
  • They know their own minds well enough to sympathize with us, even with our follies. They’re not going to shred our dignity, so we can be free and vulnerable.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Who is the best listener you know? Who is the worst? Explain.
  3. How good of a listener do you think you are? Explain.
  4. Which of the four key points above is hardest for you? Which is easiest? Explain.
  5. What are some other hallmarks of a good listener from your experience?
  6. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Is Forgiveness the Same as Forgetting?

There's a difference between living under the power of bitterness and living above the impact of someone's offense.

Talking Points:

  • You can choose to live underneath the power of the offense, or above the impact. This means you can either let thoughts of the offense rule your emotions, or you can move past the bitterness for a better life.
  • Bitterness is toxic. It will infect your emotions and will make you say and do things that will hurt others. Bitterness is just like an accelerant for the ember we already have inside of us.
  • Just because you forgive the offender doesn’t mean they are off the hook for what they have done. They will begin to feel guilt and a sense of violation against you.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. If you can, share about a time when someone hurt you with their words or actions. Did it make you angry? On a scale of 1-10, how hard was it to forgive that person? Explain.
  3. “Bitterness is very toxic. It is like poison.” Do you agree? Why or why not?
  4. Do you think the person who hurt you is at peace with what they’ve done? Explain.
  5. “You have the right to be healed.” Do you agree? Do you need the offender to ask for forgiveness before you can heal? Why or why not?
  6. Do you think you will hurt other people if you remain bitter and refuse to forgive? Explain.
  7. Do you think forgiveness can set you free? What will it take to get there?
  8. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

4 Roadblocks to an Apology

 

Apologies are hard but they are vital to having healthy relationships. Yet for many of us, we can’t bring ourselves to apologize. Here are four roadblocks to an apology be aware of in your own life.

Talking Points:

  • There are four main roadblocks to a true apology.
    • “Innocence.” You don’t feel like you did anything wrong. It’s hard to apologize when you don’t feel like you were in the wrong.
    • “Blame-shifting.” You feel like the other person was totally at fault. It’s human nature to place blame somewhere else and to give yourself the benefit of the doubt.
    • “Weakness.” You feel like apologizing makes you weak. The truth is, being able to apologize means you have the strength to say you aren’t perfect and you can improve.
    • “Failure.” What is the point of apologizing if you will make the same mistake again? It is true that words can be cheap but that shouldn’t be an excuse not to try.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. On a scale of 1-10, how quick are you to apologize? Explain.
  3. Why do you think people have a hard time apologizing?
  4. Describe a time an apology helped a relationship. Describe a time a lack of an apology hurt a relationship.
  5. Of the four roadblocks, which one are you most prone to claim? How has that roadblock affected your relationships?
  6. What are some other roadblocks to making an apology?
  7. What are some things you can do to get better at making apologies?
  8. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

This topic is adapted from the book When Sorry Isn’t Enough by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas.

How to Spread the Leadership Virus

Good leaders communicate mission, vision, and values to their teams. Great leaders communicate in a way that's viral.

Talking Points:

  • The preaching method is the leader speaks the message to everyone at once. This is more of a top-down approach.
  • The mentoring model means first-tier leaders mentor and communicate the mission, vision, and values of the team to their circle of influence, teaching them how to do the job and to mentor their subsequent circle of influence.
  • The mentoring method can spread your values quickly in your organization by equipping your leaders throughout your organization with the system, the system tools, the training, and the message you want to be sure is spreading.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Describe your own “leadership model.” Do you tend to (1) tell everyone what to do or (2) equip and empower mentors to own and spread the message? Where did you learn your leadership skills?
  3. Do you know of any team or organization that uses the “mentor model” of leadership? If so, describe what it is like. Is it effective?
  4. Do you think your team or organization needs a leadership overhaul? Why or why not?
  5. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?