You don't have to lose yourself once you're married. There is room to have a couple identity and your own individual identity.

Talking Points:

  • Dr. Fletcher discusses three models of relationships.
    • Model A-Borrowed Functioning: This is typical in the early part of the relationship where you are doing a lot together. But over time, this will become suffocating and unhealthy.
    • Model B-Emotional Distancing: This is when couples feel more like roommates than lovers. They are emotionally disconnected and intimacy is non existent.
    • Model C-Couple Identity: This couple has enough overlap to feel connected but some distance to feel like they have their own identity. This is the model couples should aspire to create.
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. What are some things you did to win over your spouse while dating that you later lost interest in doing? How did that shift affect the relationship?
  3. Of the 3 models, which one best describes your relationship right now? What would you say is healthy about where you are and what needs some work?
  4. How can it help your relationship to have separate interests? How can it help your relationship to have some shared interests?
  5. Come up with a list of possible options of hobbies or activities you can do as a couple. What steps can you take to explore those options further?
  6. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?

Dr. Fletcher’s youtube channel