John Gottman defines defensiveness as "self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack."

Talking Points:

  • If your spouse comes with a complaint that feels like blame…Say, “I can see that you’re hurt and I want to understand why. Can we start again with a measured tone?”
  • If your spouse is pointing out a potential blindspot…Ask questions and seek examples to help you understand. Be willing to own it and make adjustments. 
  • If you feel like you don’t trust your spouse’s intentions…Be honest about the need to build trust and invite a mentoring couple to help you navigate the issues. 
Discussion:
  1. Initial reactions to this topic? What jumped out at you?
  2. Review Gottman’s definition. Why do you tend to get defensive with people? What’s happening internally when you feel attacked?
  3. Which of the three tips will be hardest for you to implement? Explain.
  4. What is a kind, productive way you could call a “time out” to make sure your tones are inviting and not critical?
  5. How do you typically respond to your spouse’s constructive criticism? How could your spouse frame it in a way you could receive it better?
  6. Trust is the bedrock to a healthy marriage. How have you struggled with trust in your marriage? Who are some wise people you could call on to help you navigate these issues?
  7. Is there a step you need to take based on today’s topic?